There are many days I sit back and wonder where my life has gone. Back when I was an honors high school student, I thought I had this life thing figured out. It was simple; I was going to be rich. I was going to have tons of money and make my own schedule at work. I would go on vacation when I wanted and live like the female version of P. Diddy. Marriage? Absolutely not. I would find a nice boy who was tolerable enough to co-parent children because I couldn’t be bothered with much more commitment than that. It was the perfect plan, I thought….
I guess I didn’t factor in the possibility that the thing I called a perfect life was not real. First of all, who wants to be the female version of Diddy?! I was naive to say the least. Also, what about paying back students loans, or worst, RENT! Those expenses sure cut into my traveling money, and co-parenting? It’s been hard enough to find a guy I even like for longer than five minutes.
Fast forward two years in New York, and I feel like I’ve run a marathon with no finish line. New York, in many ways, was my dream but it’s been hard to make mismatch puzzle pieces fit. As I got older, and wiser, my priorities shifted greatly. It became less about what the universe could do for me, but now what I can do for the universe. When my days are nearly done, what can I say I achieved? (Hopefully paying rent is not my biggest accomplishment.)
So, as I write this blog post about a month away from my 26th birthday, I can admit I still have no idea what the hell is going on. I am still trying to figure it out day by day. I’m still trying to find ways to not disappoint God or myself. I still want high school DeShara to be proud of me, even though most of my goals are different now. I want her to be proud because she discovered that being rich was never about the amount in her bank account, but ultimately about the laughs so funny it came with tears, finding abundant love in nouns, and helping someone else along the way. I’m definitely not there yet, but the light at the end of the tunnel is starting to become faint. xo.